Understanding Forgiveness and Reconciliation

There is always the right to forgive because one party is always ready, that is God, so it just leaves one more party to take actions to forgive. But there is not always a right time to reconcile, for this takes 2 human parties to be involved. In forgiveness, it is just between the Offended and God. In reconciliation, it is between the Offended and Offender. 

To forgive and forget is such a wrong advice to give. While there is a command to forgive as quickly as possible, there is no need to rush through the reconciliation process.

One of the better reading that I have gained is from this site called Flying Free Now Dot Com. In her post entitled "To Forgive Doesn't Automatically Mean To Reconcile", she made references to Patrick Doyle's teaching via Youtube. 

Four Steps before Reconciliation is possible:-

1) Conviction

The Offender has to be convicted by God, not by others. 2 Corinthians 7:10 Godly sorrow leads to repentance, worldly sorrow leads to death. Conviction is very different from saying I am Sorry. The convicted knows exactly what are the specific offensive issues. God does not convict us in general, it is always very specific. The Offender must own the sins.

2) Repentance 

One of the signs of repentance is the person having Contrition, the state of feeling remorseful and penitent. The Bible refers to broken contrite heart = I have no rights, I have failed and I am wrong. 

Repentance is not about what you say, it is about what you do and who are you.

3) Confession

The Offender must confess specifically what they are convicted of. Confession has to be specific and list the specific harms that were done. The Offender cannot be told what they did that was wrong. 

The Holy Spirit has two jobs : to convict us of sins and to comfort us once we are convicted. If someone is unconvictable, it is usually due to Pride. 

Pride is the ultimate anti-God state of being - CS Lewis

Sometimes people are unaware that they cause hurt. We cannot deny the Offended the right to choose what harm is. 

The hardness of heart is the one thing that will destroy a relationship. How to maintain softness to is to set a boundary in order for the Offender not to cause further harm. Sometimes it is our confession, without humility, brokenness and brokenness, it is hard to maintain softness of our heart and maintain a healthy relationship.

4) Ask for forgiveness

Forgiveness has to be uttered by the Offender. After reconciliation, the relationship does change, the boundary has changed. 

How to deal with people who has offended you?

Hurt is when expectation not met. People get hurt when their expectation is not fulfilled. Some of the expectations are not realistic.

People with sarcasm - defending themselves and usually people who are angry, irritated and people with a lot of unresolved injustice. Anger is at the surface, below anger is hurt and underneath hurt is injustice. Pull them aside and suggest to them they are sarcastic and ask if there is any injustice they have felt. And leave it at that if they are not ready to discuss.

Decide how important is the relationship to maintain. Sometimes the best love is to turn away from them. 

Peace makers are often wrongly defined as people who do not cause offences. 

Conviction - the beginning of healing is conviction.

Repentance - 

Confession - 

Ask for Forgiveness

Ego on Steroid - is the absence of conviction

Go to God and ask what is my sins in this relationship.

We are living in a very Critical Culture from social media. Any cause other than Christ is secondary.

Reconciliation is not a requirement. It is the desired outcome, but it can only happen when four things happen:-

1) Conviction has to happen. The Offender is convicted by God. The Offended cannot do the conviction.

2) Repentance is genuine. It has to be godly repentance. 

3) Confession of specific sins is required.

4) Asking for forgiveness

In another website called "Four Reasons you cannot reconcile with Someone" by Rick Thomas, he wrote about four reasons:-

1) Perfect Heart - Perfect like Jesus.

2) Perfect World - No one wronged anyone.

3) If a person does not respond to God’s conviction, then their sin cannot be removed and they cannot be reconciled to the people they have sinned against.

4) Not being ready to forgive a person who is asking for forgiveness is another instance that will keep reconciliation from happening. 

Forgiveness Vs Reconciliation is something that we need to learn and be wise about it. 

Other references:-

1)https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/22748/two-differences-between-forgiveness-and-reconciliation

2)https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-therapy/201303/forgiveness-vs-reconciliation

3)http://ww1.antiochian.org/content/forgiveness-and-reconciliation-how-forgive-others-and-receive-forgiveness

4)https://lifehacker.com/how-to-forgive-someone-who-has-wronged-you-1671192403