A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
"I'm positive." replied the atom.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.
Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.
Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.
Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.
Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex
You can GET chocolate whenever you want.
"If you love me, you’ll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
Two People of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
If you bite nuts too hard, the chocolate won’t mind.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can have chocolate any time of the month.
You don’t get hairs in your mouth when eating chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep the neighbors awake.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
Nobody thinks you’r weird if you buy chocolate
You can GET chocolate whenever you want.
"If you love me, you’ll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
Two People of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
If you bite nuts too hard, the chocolate won’t mind.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can have chocolate any time of the month.
You don’t get hairs in your mouth when eating chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep the neighbors awake.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
Nobody thinks you’r weird if you buy chocolate
Rules of the lab
1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.
5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.
5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
International Dating ...
A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.
POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens..
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you!
LATIN WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.
POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens..
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you!
LATIN WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
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