Old Ladies Smoking

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

Cheeky short notes on irony of life

Short Notes ...
The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!

"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year."
- Mark Twain

Why do you need a driver´s license to buy liquor when you can´t drink and drive?

Why is it that when you´re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. 

Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man´s habits 

and then complain that he´s not the man she married?"
--- Barbara Streisand

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that´s not at all true. 

I have the heart of a young boy. ...In a jar.... On my desk.
--- Steven King

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Products Warning

Better be careful
These are actual warnings given on various products:

On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a flavoured milkdrink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

IT Manager's Best Advises to new manager

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

Sermon on Lying - Mark 17

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Forbes List of Richest

The richest people
"Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work."
Robert Orben

Children brighten up house all the time

OThey brighten it up
"Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off."
Ralph Bus.

Police's Mum

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."

Female Seminars by Males

Female Seminars


1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS: It’s YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It’s Happened Monthly Since Puberty....... Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It’s As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "’Me Too’ Equals I Love You"

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock"

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

Job Advertisements Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Female/Male Vocabulary

Female/Male Vocabulary ...
1. A THINGEY:
A. Female - Any part under a car’s hood.
B. Male - The strap fastener on a woman’s bra

2. VULNERABLE:
A. Female - Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
B. Male - Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION:
A. Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
B. Male - Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT:
A. Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male - Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT:
A. Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male - Anything that can be done while drinking.

6. FLATULENCE:
A. Female - An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male - A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE:
A. Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male - Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL:
A. Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male - A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

Woman's Dictionary

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re going to hate
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead

Laws of Philosophy

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

Which Laboratory is this ?

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Bad Luck
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
- "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

- "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

- "But officer, I just wanted to say...."

- "And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
- "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back."

- "Don’t count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I’m the groom."

Church

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."

The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"

The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."

The good, the bad and the ugly

Good: You’re pregnant. Bad: It’s triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He’s a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You’re in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He’s a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

E. coli

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

I like your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU.
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is ’the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

The story of the bats

The story of the bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."