Congratulations, you pass ...
Although born to a good Irish-Catholic family, Colm had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.
On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi´s office, ready to begin.
The Rabbi said,
- "I´m sorry, but before I give you the test, I must
discuss my fee, It´s $500."
- "Holy Mother! $5,000!" exclaimed Colm , "That´s a lot of money. How about $50?"
- "Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Teacher about whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"
Productive Salesmanship ...
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. "$2,467.00" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher..."How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, ’Hey, this tastes like shit!’.
Then I would say, ’It IS shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. "$2,467.00" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher..."How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, ’Hey, this tastes like shit!’.
Then I would say, ’It IS shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?’
Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...
So, I goes up to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!
This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...
So, I goes up to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!
This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner ...
Actual School Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
- My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
- Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()’s were crossed out.]
- Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
- I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
- Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
- Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
- Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
- Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
- My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
- Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()’s were crossed out.]
- Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
- I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
- Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
- Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
- Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
- Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
Local Golf Club
This sign was posted at a local golf club
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.
Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
This sign was posted at a local golf club
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.
Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
The Frog
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to
spend a fortune.
- "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to do blowjobs."
- "Blowjobs?", the woman replied.
- "It hasn’t been proven, but we’ve sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it’s true? No more blowjobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the Frog reading cookbooks.
- "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to
spend a fortune.
- "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to do blowjobs."
- "Blowjobs?", the woman replied.
- "It hasn’t been proven, but we’ve sold 30 of them this month," he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it’s true? No more blowjobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the Frog reading cookbooks.
- "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.
The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."
Q’s & A’s
Q: Why did Freud cross the road?
A: Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?
Q: How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I dunno. The bastards all run away when the light goes on.
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn’t. He establishes "darkness" as the standard and makes everybody go along.
Q: Why doesn’t Hannibal Lector eat people that work at Texaco?
A: They give him gas.
Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
A: Some prick cut HER off!
Q: Why is the space between a woman’s tits and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in the space between them.
Q: How is a penis like fishing?
A: The small ones get thrown back, the average ones are eaten nicely, and the large ones are considered souvenir material.
Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: Spit.
Q: Why did Freud cross the road?
A: Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?
Q: How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I dunno. The bastards all run away when the light goes on.
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn’t. He establishes "darkness" as the standard and makes everybody go along.
Q: Why doesn’t Hannibal Lector eat people that work at Texaco?
A: They give him gas.
Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
A: Some prick cut HER off!
Q: Why is the space between a woman’s tits and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in the space between them.
Q: How is a penis like fishing?
A: The small ones get thrown back, the average ones are eaten nicely, and the large ones are considered souvenir material.
Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: Spit.
Signs and notices
- "How To Repair Your VCR." - The title of a how-to video tape.
- "Great New Taste!" and "Same Great Taste!" - On opposite sides of a drink cooler in a grocery store.
- "Ears pierced while you wait." - A sign in a shop.
- "Free Parking ($1.50 per day)" - A sign at a parking lot in Ocean City, Maryland.
- "If you can’t read or write, phone this number."
- "Lunch and Learn Seminar: ’Who’s controlling your life?’ (get your manager’s permission before attending)" -- The contents of a flyer for corporate seminar.
- "We are sorry, but these toilets are out of order. Please use floor." -- A sign on a shopping center’s restroom door, indicating that the restroom was closed. The sign was intended to give directions to the nearest open restroom, but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.
- "Shoe Rental: Adults: $2.00. Seniors and Children: $2.00." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.
- "Do not open this door when locked." -- A sign on a gym door.
- "Speed Limit 5 Miles per hour" / "No vehicles beyond this point" -- Two signs on the same sign post at a camp site.
- "A reminder to all lady Lancers that you are not to wear t-shirt tank tops on campus. If you do so, you will be asked to remove them." -- An announcement that appeared in a Hilltop High School (Home of the Lancers) bulletin.
- "How To Repair Your VCR." - The title of a how-to video tape.
- "Great New Taste!" and "Same Great Taste!" - On opposite sides of a drink cooler in a grocery store.
- "Ears pierced while you wait." - A sign in a shop.
- "Free Parking ($1.50 per day)" - A sign at a parking lot in Ocean City, Maryland.
- "If you can’t read or write, phone this number."
- "Lunch and Learn Seminar: ’Who’s controlling your life?’ (get your manager’s permission before attending)" -- The contents of a flyer for corporate seminar.
- "We are sorry, but these toilets are out of order. Please use floor." -- A sign on a shopping center’s restroom door, indicating that the restroom was closed. The sign was intended to give directions to the nearest open restroom, but the staff had forgotten to fill in the blank.
- "Shoe Rental: Adults: $2.00. Seniors and Children: $2.00." -- A sign in a bowling alley in Katy, TX.
- "Do not open this door when locked." -- A sign on a gym door.
- "Speed Limit 5 Miles per hour" / "No vehicles beyond this point" -- Two signs on the same sign post at a camp site.
- "A reminder to all lady Lancers that you are not to wear t-shirt tank tops on campus. If you do so, you will be asked to remove them." -- An announcement that appeared in a Hilltop High School (Home of the Lancers) bulletin.
Prison versus Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON..........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK............you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK............you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON..........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK............you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON..........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK............they are called managers.
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON..........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK............you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK............you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON..........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK............you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON..........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK............they are called managers.
Security
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection.
And that was the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can’t you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS"
I already feel safer.
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection.
And that was the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can’t you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS"
I already feel safer.
Letter to a shrink
Dear Shrink,
It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn't sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.
I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day.
I served stints in mental institutions, was even suicidal. Not even the normal 1-2 punch of Prozac and Zoloft would help.
Who would think that such a terrible and utterly disgusting act of cruelty and injustice could exist? Exist here in the United States of America, the land of the free the home of the Braves?
I could see a terrible wrong like this happening in third world anarchies, but here? The only place in the world where you can buy a six piece chicken McNugget and redeem 250 UPC symbols for a blue, red, and white basketball all on the same day!
I can still hear their merciless, nerve wrecking, voices; taunting him. They kept shrieking over and over that horrid little phrase, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."
Why couldn't they just give the innocent, little, white rabbit some cereal? Why? Does the fact that he is a rabbit automatically deprive him of the democratic and patriotic notion, the freedom, of eating cereal?
I can vaguely recollect the times when he was this close to getting some of that, that CEREAL.
There was the time when he dressed as a human and went to that secret meeting but was given away by the exposure of his fluffy white tail (I am still wondering how they accepted the ears).
Then there was the time he went to space and ancient times and even the jungle, but to no avail. You cannot even imagine the rabbits pain.
There are times when you don't get what you want but you survive; now think of the rabbit. Over 50 YEARS of chasing his only hearts desire, the reason he lives, and NEVER getting it.
Can you even begin to understand his pain, his utter grief? He is such a funny little rabbit, not silly, as those demonic little children accuse him of being.
Despite all his efforts he never got any cereal; not even when the flavor berry-blue was added to the ever-so-popular flavors of orange. Cherry. Grape. Lemon. Lime. WHY?
Those heartless little children had so much cereal and they wouldn't share. Even one little spoonful would have satisfied my little white friend�s craving for those delicious six flavors. But no!
"Trix aren't for rabbits. Trix are for kids. Oh! The unbearable agonizing pain it has cost me. That one simple phrase "silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."
For the fourteen antagonizing years of my short but cruel life I have watched helplessly as those evil little children refused to share. I've seen the pain in his eyes grow from when he was a black and white toon to the five-color symbol of melancholy, infinite sadness he is now.
No More! In a matter of moments I will be taken up into the ship following the glorious Hale-Bopp and with the help of some friends I. WILL. FEED. THE. RABBIT! Feed him to his hearts desire so he can finally enjoy the pleasure of the orange, cherry, grape, lemon, lime, and new wildberry blue.
I can't wait to see the look on their moronic little faces as I feed the rabbit! He will be happy as I, when I give Trix to the rabbit and kill the kids! Who's with me?
Sianara,
You Know Who
P.S. If you happen to find 496 Trix cereal tops and over 2,546 Betty Cocker points. You will know that I haven't failed. Oh yeah, trade them in for a 7� by 4� by 2� life size replica of the Trix Rabbit.
Dear Shrink,
It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn't sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.
I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day.
I served stints in mental institutions, was even suicidal. Not even the normal 1-2 punch of Prozac and Zoloft would help.
Who would think that such a terrible and utterly disgusting act of cruelty and injustice could exist? Exist here in the United States of America, the land of the free the home of the Braves?
I could see a terrible wrong like this happening in third world anarchies, but here? The only place in the world where you can buy a six piece chicken McNugget and redeem 250 UPC symbols for a blue, red, and white basketball all on the same day!
I can still hear their merciless, nerve wrecking, voices; taunting him. They kept shrieking over and over that horrid little phrase, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."
Why couldn't they just give the innocent, little, white rabbit some cereal? Why? Does the fact that he is a rabbit automatically deprive him of the democratic and patriotic notion, the freedom, of eating cereal?
I can vaguely recollect the times when he was this close to getting some of that, that CEREAL.
There was the time when he dressed as a human and went to that secret meeting but was given away by the exposure of his fluffy white tail (I am still wondering how they accepted the ears).
Then there was the time he went to space and ancient times and even the jungle, but to no avail. You cannot even imagine the rabbits pain.
There are times when you don't get what you want but you survive; now think of the rabbit. Over 50 YEARS of chasing his only hearts desire, the reason he lives, and NEVER getting it.
Can you even begin to understand his pain, his utter grief? He is such a funny little rabbit, not silly, as those demonic little children accuse him of being.
Despite all his efforts he never got any cereal; not even when the flavor berry-blue was added to the ever-so-popular flavors of orange. Cherry. Grape. Lemon. Lime. WHY?
Those heartless little children had so much cereal and they wouldn't share. Even one little spoonful would have satisfied my little white friend�s craving for those delicious six flavors. But no!
"Trix aren't for rabbits. Trix are for kids. Oh! The unbearable agonizing pain it has cost me. That one simple phrase "silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."
For the fourteen antagonizing years of my short but cruel life I have watched helplessly as those evil little children refused to share. I've seen the pain in his eyes grow from when he was a black and white toon to the five-color symbol of melancholy, infinite sadness he is now.
No More! In a matter of moments I will be taken up into the ship following the glorious Hale-Bopp and with the help of some friends I. WILL. FEED. THE. RABBIT! Feed him to his hearts desire so he can finally enjoy the pleasure of the orange, cherry, grape, lemon, lime, and new wildberry blue.
I can't wait to see the look on their moronic little faces as I feed the rabbit! He will be happy as I, when I give Trix to the rabbit and kill the kids! Who's with me?
Sianara,
You Know Who
P.S. If you happen to find 496 Trix cereal tops and over 2,546 Betty Cocker points. You will know that I haven't failed. Oh yeah, trade them in for a 7� by 4� by 2� life size replica of the Trix Rabbit.
A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?" Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."
Engelsk ordbog
ARCHITECT: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer nor gay enough to become a designer.
BANKER: Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain.
BOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an asshole under the leadership of an asshole dressed like a child.
CONSULTANT: Someone who uses your wife’s watch, tells you the time, and then charges you for it.
DIPLOMAT: Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way which makes you eager to start the journey.
ECONOMIST: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
FRIEND: Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that "Je ne sais quoi" which eliminates any desire to ever try and sleep with them.
PESSIMIST: Optimist with experience
PROGRAMMER: Someone who fixes a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.
STATISTICIAN: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer.
DANCING: The vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.
HEADACHE: Method of contraception most widely used by women.
INTELLECTUAL: Someone capable of thinking for more than 2 hours about something other than sex.
MONOGAMY: Repressed polygamy.
NYMPHOMANIAC: Term applied by men to any woman who wants sex more than he does.
TEAMWORK: The possibility of putting the blame on others.
INTERVIEW: That which can be seen between the interviewee’s legs.
EASY: Term applied to any woman with the sexual morals of a man.
HARDWARE: The part of the computer which you kick when the software malfunctions.
IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry.
INDIFFERENCE: Attitude adopted by a woman towards a man in whom she has no interest; interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get".
ARCHITECT: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer nor gay enough to become a designer.
BANKER: Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain.
BOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an asshole under the leadership of an asshole dressed like a child.
CONSULTANT: Someone who uses your wife’s watch, tells you the time, and then charges you for it.
DIPLOMAT: Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way which makes you eager to start the journey.
ECONOMIST: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
FRIEND: Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that "Je ne sais quoi" which eliminates any desire to ever try and sleep with them.
PESSIMIST: Optimist with experience
PROGRAMMER: Someone who fixes a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
PSYCHOLOGIST: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room.
STATISTICIAN: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer.
DANCING: The vertical frustration of a horizontal desire.
HEADACHE: Method of contraception most widely used by women.
INTELLECTUAL: Someone capable of thinking for more than 2 hours about something other than sex.
MONOGAMY: Repressed polygamy.
NYMPHOMANIAC: Term applied by men to any woman who wants sex more than he does.
TEAMWORK: The possibility of putting the blame on others.
INTERVIEW: That which can be seen between the interviewee’s legs.
EASY: Term applied to any woman with the sexual morals of a man.
HARDWARE: The part of the computer which you kick when the software malfunctions.
IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry.
INDIFFERENCE: Attitude adopted by a woman towards a man in whom she has no interest; interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get".
Three very tough mice
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"
Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"
Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
Profession
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about
their professions...
The first guy says " I´m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent,Ecologist
The second guy says " I´m a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, " I´m a R.U.B, you know...Rich, Urban, biker"
They turn to the woman and ask her, "How about you?"
She replies: " I´m a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about
their professions...
The first guy says " I´m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent,Ecologist
The second guy says " I´m a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, " I´m a R.U.B, you know...Rich, Urban, biker"
They turn to the woman and ask her, "How about you?"
She replies: " I´m a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"
Doctor Quotes
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993
- The patient refused an autopsy
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
- Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
- She is numb from her toes down
- Patient was alert and unresponsive
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead
- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities
- Skin: Somewhat pale but present
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993
- The patient refused an autopsy
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
- Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
- She is numb from her toes down
- Patient was alert and unresponsive
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead
- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities
- Skin: Somewhat pale but present
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."
Next joke
Next joke
Caddy Comments
Golfer: "Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It’s not a watch - it’s a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old."
Caddy: "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Golfer: "Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It’s not a watch - it’s a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old."
Caddy: "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done
There was an important job to be done
and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it;
But Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that...
because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it;
but, Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody,
when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
The ONLY solution is to enforce The Plan:-
http://jahtruth.net/plan.htm
and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it;
But Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that...
because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it;
but, Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody,
when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
The ONLY solution is to enforce The Plan:-
http://jahtruth.net/plan.htm
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Curriculum Vitae Blunders
- "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
- "Special skills: Thyping."
- "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
- "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
- "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."
- "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
- "Language skills: Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."
- "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."
- "My salary requirement is $34 per year."
- "I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."
- "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
- "Special skills: Thyping."
- "I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
- "Previous experience: Self-employed -- a fiasco."
- "I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."
- "Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
- "Language skills: Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."
- "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date."
- "My salary requirement is $34 per year."
- "I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment."
Some Hints for Women ...
- If you think the way to a man’s heart is through
his stomach you’re aiming too high.
- Women don’t make fools of men -- most of
them are the do-it-yourself types.
- The best reason to divorce a man is a health
reason: you’re sick of him.
- Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at
home. He probably lies about other things too.
- A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff
she asked her husband to do.
- Go for younger men. You might as well -- they
never mature anyway.
- A man who can dress himself without looking
like Forest Gump is unquestionably gay.
- Men are all the same -- they just have different
faces so you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a man with manners -- he gets
out of the bath to pee.
- Whenever you meet a man who would make
a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
- Scientists have just discovered something
that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
- There are a lot of words you can use to describe
men -- strong, caring, loving -- they’d be wrong but
you can still use them.
- Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive
and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
- Men’s brains are like the prison system --
not enough cells per man.
- Husbands are like children -- they’re fine if
they’re someone else’s.
- If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give
him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
- Figuring out men is like trying to make a
jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have
it all put together, you find another piece but you
don’t know where it goes.
- If you think the way to a man’s heart is through
his stomach you’re aiming too high.
- Women don’t make fools of men -- most of
them are the do-it-yourself types.
- The best reason to divorce a man is a health
reason: you’re sick of him.
- Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at
home. He probably lies about other things too.
- A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff
she asked her husband to do.
- Go for younger men. You might as well -- they
never mature anyway.
- A man who can dress himself without looking
like Forest Gump is unquestionably gay.
- Men are all the same -- they just have different
faces so you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a man with manners -- he gets
out of the bath to pee.
- Whenever you meet a man who would make
a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
- Scientists have just discovered something
that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
- There are a lot of words you can use to describe
men -- strong, caring, loving -- they’d be wrong but
you can still use them.
- Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive
and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
- Men’s brains are like the prison system --
not enough cells per man.
- Husbands are like children -- they’re fine if
they’re someone else’s.
- If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give
him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
- Figuring out men is like trying to make a
jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have
it all put together, you find another piece but you
don’t know where it goes.
Dictionary
WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
---
MEN’S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay
WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
---
MEN’S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay
Potential And Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, "I’ll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister’s room and asks, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps."
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, "I’ll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister’s room and asks, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps."
What was the problem before?
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
Divorce Court
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, ’Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?’
Phil replies, ’Yes Judge, that is correct.’
’And how do you explain this unusual conduct?’ the judge inquires.
Phil replies, ’I didn’t want to interrupt her Your Honor.’
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.
The judge asked, ’Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?’
Phil replies, ’Yes Judge, that is correct.’
’And how do you explain this unusual conduct?’ the judge inquires.
Phil replies, ’I didn’t want to interrupt her Your Honor.’
British Hospitality
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood - big, stately residences - no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’s.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I’m very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can’t find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie "Just follow me." He leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away... anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop’s blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you - is that "British Hospitality?"
"No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the French Embassy."
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood - big, stately residences - no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’s.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I’m very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can’t find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie "Just follow me." He leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away... anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop’s blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie, "That was really decent of you - is that "British Hospitality?"
"No," replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the French Embassy."
Thursday, March 25, 2010
If I depended on Him ...
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.
"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife´s eye. "What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I´m sure that wouldn´t work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn´t have the three I got."
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.
"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife´s eye. "What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I´m sure that wouldn´t work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn´t have the three I got."
Arthritis
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest,
- "Father, what causes arthritis?"
- "Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
- "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
- "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
- "I don’t have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest,
- "Father, what causes arthritis?"
- "Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.
- "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized:
- "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
- "I don’t have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
Bill Gates
Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this one. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill Gates said, "What’s the difference between the two?"
God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?" Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can’t wait to see Heaven." God said, "Let’s go!" and off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell." "As you wish," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin’, Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."
Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this one. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill Gates said, "What’s the difference between the two?"
God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?" Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can’t wait to see Heaven." God said, "Let’s go!" and off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell." "As you wish," said God. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with pitchforks. "How ya doin’, Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?" "Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."
Dogs and Light Bulbs
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?
You know it’s time for a diet when:
You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.
You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.
Weight Watchers demands your resignation.
You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it says, "One at a time please!"
The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to make a turn without flipping over.
You’re at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire blackboard
They throw puffed rice at your wedding.
You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to sleep.
You lay on the beach and Greenpeace comes along to push you back in the water
You dive into a swimming pool so your friends can go surfing.
You have to apply your makeup with a paint roller.
Weight Watchers demands your resignation.
You step on a pennyweight scale that gives you your fortune and it says, "One at a time please!"
The bus driver asks you to sit on the other side because he wants to make a turn without flipping over.
You’re at school in the classroom and turn around and erase the entire blackboard
They throw puffed rice at your wedding.
You fall down and try to get up, and in the process rock yourself to sleep.
You lay on the beach and Greenpeace comes along to push you back in the water
Valentine
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
"Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don’t think God would
get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot.
And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore."
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
"Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don’t think God would
get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot.
And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore."
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."
Low self-esteem
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers".
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers".
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
2) "You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
3) "We haven't got a policy on that".
4) "I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.
1) "I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
2) "You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
3) "We haven't got a policy on that".
4) "I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.
West Virginia Anecdotes ...
A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can’t touch it ’til she’s 14.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia?
Documentaries.
Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wat?"
Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor’s mansion in West Virginia burned down! The library was a total loss.. Both books went up in flames and they hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.
A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
At the scene of the accident a trooper asked the West Virginia driver what gear he was in at the moment of impact.
He replied, "tractor hat and camouflage hunting outfit"
Folks in West Virginia now go to movies in groups of 18. They were told
"17 and under are not admitted".
A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can’t touch it ’til she’s 14.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia?
Documentaries.
Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wat?"
Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
The governor’s mansion in West Virginia burned down! The library was a total loss.. Both books went up in flames and they hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.
A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
At the scene of the accident a trooper asked the West Virginia driver what gear he was in at the moment of impact.
He replied, "tractor hat and camouflage hunting outfit"
Folks in West Virginia now go to movies in groups of 18. They were told
"17 and under are not admitted".
Can’t beat the machine
An idiot was waiting in the down-town L. A. bus station for the bus to Pasadena. He spotted a machine with a sign that read: "YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00"
He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot. Out came a card that said: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds, and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena."
The idiot said, "How did that machine know that? Well, I’ll fool it." He went downstairs to the men’s room, rolled up his coat collar, pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard.
He tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot.
Out came a card that read: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh 160 pounds, and while you were screwing around down in the men’s room, you missed the bus to Pasadena."
An idiot was waiting in the down-town L. A. bus station for the bus to Pasadena. He spotted a machine with a sign that read: "YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00"
He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot. Out came a card that said: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds, and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena."
The idiot said, "How did that machine know that? Well, I’ll fool it." He went downstairs to the men’s room, rolled up his coat collar, pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard.
He tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot.
Out came a card that read: "You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh 160 pounds, and while you were screwing around down in the men’s room, you missed the bus to Pasadena."
Three Wishes
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it."I will give each of you each one wish, that’s three wishes total,"
says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie’s eye, ’POOF’ the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ’POOF’ there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains, "Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - virtually impenetrable."
"UncleSam" says, "My wish is taht you fill it with water."
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it."I will give each of you each one wish, that’s three wishes total,"
says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie’s eye, ’POOF’ the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ’POOF’ there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."The Genie explains, "Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - virtually impenetrable."
"UncleSam" says, "My wish is taht you fill it with water."
Court Cases ...
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT
CASES:
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
---
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
---
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.
---
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
---
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
---
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
---
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT
CASES:
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
---
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
---
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.
---
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
---
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
---
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
---
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Time off
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head’s office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I’m a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that’s an order - and I don’t want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you’re going?" the boss asked.
"Home," he said lightly. "I can’t work in the dark."
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.
"How?" asked the second worker.
Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.
Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head’s office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.
"I’m a light bulb" answered the public servant.
"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that’s an order - and I don’t want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"
"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.
The second worker was hot on his heels.
"Where do you think you’re going?" the boss asked.
"Home," he said lightly. "I can’t work in the dark."
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The Language Barrier
English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." - A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." - A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." - A sign in a hotel in Athens.
"Please waste." - Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
"Specialist in women and other diseases." - A sign outside of Roman doctor’s office.
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." - A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - A sign in a Japanese hotel.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." - A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." - A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Members and non-members only." - A sign outside Mexico City’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." - A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." - A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." - A sign in a hotel in Athens.
"Please waste." - Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
"Specialist in women and other diseases." - A sign outside of Roman doctor’s office.
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." - A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - A sign in a Japanese hotel.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." - A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." - A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Members and non-members only." - A sign outside Mexico City’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
Bumper stickers seen in Michigan ...
IF YOU CAN’T FEED EM, DON’T BREED EM!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I’m Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(The following bumper sticker was Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON
IF YOU CAN’T FEED EM, DON’T BREED EM!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I’m Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(The following bumper sticker was Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON
Short Notes ...
The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!
"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year."
- Mark Twain
Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah´s Witness with a Hell´s Angel Biker?
A. Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells *YOU* to fuck off!
Why do you need a driver´s license to buy liquor when you can´t drink and drive?
Why is it that when you´re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man´s habits and then complain that he´s not the man she married?"
--- Barbara Streisand
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that´s not at all true. I have the heart of a young boy. ...In a jar.... On my desk.
--- Steven King
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!
"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year."
- Mark Twain
Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah´s Witness with a Hell´s Angel Biker?
A. Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells *YOU* to fuck off!
Why do you need a driver´s license to buy liquor when you can´t drink and drive?
Why is it that when you´re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man´s habits and then complain that he´s not the man she married?"
--- Barbara Streisand
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that´s not at all true. I have the heart of a young boy. ...In a jar.... On my desk.
--- Steven King
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Job Horoscope
ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.
ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.
Actual Warning Labels
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally’s commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally’s commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
De seneste virus-angreb
Har du set efter om din computer har en af disse viruser:
Monica Lewinsky virus
Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Titanic virus
Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus
Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus.
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
Woody Allen virus.
By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.
Spice Girl virus.
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Oprah Winfrey virus.
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.
Terminates and stays resident...It’ll be back.
Viagra virus
Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.
Then there is the Clinton PC
It has a six inch hard drive and no memory
Har du set efter om din computer har en af disse viruser:
Monica Lewinsky virus
Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Titanic virus
Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus
Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus.
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
Woody Allen virus.
By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.
Spice Girl virus.
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Oprah Winfrey virus.
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.
Terminates and stays resident...It’ll be back.
Viagra virus
Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.
Then there is the Clinton PC
It has a six inch hard drive and no memory
In Computer Heaven:
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
Vatican debate
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe’s Latin wasn’t very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don’t know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe’s Latin wasn’t very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don’t know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Vatican debate
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe’s Latin wasn’t very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don’t know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe’s Latin wasn’t very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don’t know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Johnny Stands Up
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Next joke
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Next joke
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Q’s & A’s
Q: Why did Freud cross the road?
A: Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?
Q: How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I dunno. The bastards all run away when the light goes on.
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn’t. He establishes "darkness" as the standard and makes everybody go along.
Q: Why doesn’t Hannibal Lector eat people that work at Texaco?
A: They give him gas.
Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
A: Some prick cut HER off!
Q: Why is the space between a woman’s tits and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in the space between them.
Q: How is a penis like fishing?
A: The small ones get thrown back, the average ones are eaten nicely, and the large ones are considered souvenir material.
Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: Spit.
Q: Why did Freud cross the road?
A: Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?
Q: How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I dunno. The bastards all run away when the light goes on.
Q: How does Bill Gates change a light bulb?
A: He doesn’t. He establishes "darkness" as the standard and makes everybody go along.
Q: Why doesn’t Hannibal Lector eat people that work at Texaco?
A: They give him gas.
Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
A: Some prick cut HER off!
Q: Why is the space between a woman’s tits and her hips called a waist?
A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in the space between them.
Q: How is a penis like fishing?
A: The small ones get thrown back, the average ones are eaten nicely, and the large ones are considered souvenir material.
Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: Spit.
Friday, March 12, 2010
A good chess player
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
The curse
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.
Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.
Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words.
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
A: To a crow bar.
Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.
Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
A: Look at the orange mama laid.
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs?
A: If they dropped them, they'd break.
Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
Q: Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
A: Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex
You can GET chocolate whenever you want.
"If you love me, you’ll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
Two People of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
If you bite nuts too hard, the chocolate won’t mind.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can have chocolate any time of the month.
You don’t get hairs in your mouth when eating chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep the neighbors awake.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
Nobody thinks you’r weird if you buy chocolate
You can GET chocolate whenever you want.
"If you love me, you’ll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
Two People of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
If you bite nuts too hard, the chocolate won’t mind.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can have chocolate any time of the month.
You don’t get hairs in your mouth when eating chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep the neighbors awake.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
Nobody thinks you’r weird if you buy chocolate
Rules of the lab
1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.
5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.
5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
International Dating ...
A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.
POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens..
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you!
LATIN WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend
JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and never get head again.
POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn’t home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She’s pregnant. She’s not sure if its hers.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens..
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you!
LATIN WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a headache?"
Inssurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
Top 10 funny store signs
1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we’ll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be."
6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7.In a restaurant window: "Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we’ll wait."
10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Take the country back
"John Kerry has promised to take America back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He’s like a mole for the working man."
-Jay Leno
"John Kerry has promised to take America back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He’s like a mole for the working man."
-Jay Leno
Poetry ...
These are couplets taken from the Rhyme Zone where there’s this competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second - here are a few of the entries:
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
After you, my love, my only prize.
Would be a bullet between my eyes.
Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.
I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you’re not.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face.
I wish I were in outer space.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it’s true, I’d prefer you inside out.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
My love you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in, to smell this way.
My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell."
These are couplets taken from the Rhyme Zone where there’s this competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second - here are a few of the entries:
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
After you, my love, my only prize.
Would be a bullet between my eyes.
Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.
I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you’re not.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face.
I wish I were in outer space.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it’s true, I’d prefer you inside out.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
My love you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in, to smell this way.
My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell."
Cutting Short
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather
short tempered with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several
members of the congregation were really upset
with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within
earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He
wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
A Rabbi who was late for a golf game was rather
short tempered with several people whose phone calls kept delaying him.
The next day his secretary said "Rabbi, several
members of the congregation were really upset
with you when you cut them short yesterday."
At that point, a man who had been sitting within
earshot in the reception room got up and departed hurriedly.
"Who was that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Oh, that was Mr. Ruthenberg." she answered. "He
wanted to speak to you about a circumcision for his son."
A human's chalkboard assignments
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.
1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
21. I will not cut my master's nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.
1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
21. I will not cut my master's nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".
Laws of Philosophy
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.
Short Notes ...
The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!
"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year."
- Mark Twain
Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah´s Witness with a Hell´s Angel Biker?
A. Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells *YOU* to fuck off!
Why do you need a driver´s license to buy liquor when you can´t drink and drive?
Why is it that when you´re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man´s habits and then complain that he´s not the man she married?"
--- Barbara Streisand
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that´s not at all true. I have the heart of a young boy. ...In a jar.... On my desk.
--- Steven King
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!
"The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year."
- Mark Twain
Q. What do you get when you cross a Jehovah´s Witness with a Hell´s Angel Biker?
A. Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells *YOU* to fuck off!
Why do you need a driver´s license to buy liquor when you can´t drink and drive?
Why is it that when you´re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man´s habits and then complain that he´s not the man she married?"
--- Barbara Streisand
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that´s not at all true. I have the heart of a young boy. ...In a jar.... On my desk.
--- Steven King
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.
The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.
The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.
The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"
The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.
Important safety feature
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
The Language Barrier
The Language Barrier
English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." - A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." - A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." - A sign in a hotel in Athens.
"Please waste." - Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
"Specialist in women and other diseases." - A sign outside of Roman doctor’s office.
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." - A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - A sign in a Japanese hotel.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." - A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." - A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Members and non-members only." - A sign outside Mexico City’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." - A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." - A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." - A sign in a hotel in Athens.
"Please waste." - Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
"Specialist in women and other diseases." - A sign outside of Roman doctor’s office.
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." - A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - A sign in a Japanese hotel.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." - A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." - A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Members and non-members only." - A sign outside Mexico City’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Bad News
Bad News
A man went to the doctor to get a physical. After the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.
The man replied, ’’ Well, at least I don’t have cancer.’’
A man went to the doctor to get a physical. After the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.
The man replied, ’’ Well, at least I don’t have cancer.’’
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Psychic support
Actual Tech Support call:
I work for technical helpline. When our lines are busy, customers can leave messages in our voicemail. The system asks for the customer to leave contact info, machine details, and description of the problem. Here’s one message I got:
"There’s something wrong with my computer. I really can’t tell you what the problem is or what the machine does, but there definitely is something wrong with it. Could you please call me back soon?"
I hope the customer got the psychic message I sent him about how to fix the problem. I sure didn’t get his psychic message about the problem and his phone number.
Actual Tech Support call:
I work for technical helpline. When our lines are busy, customers can leave messages in our voicemail. The system asks for the customer to leave contact info, machine details, and description of the problem. Here’s one message I got:
"There’s something wrong with my computer. I really can’t tell you what the problem is or what the machine does, but there definitely is something wrong with it. Could you please call me back soon?"
I hope the customer got the psychic message I sent him about how to fix the problem. I sure didn’t get his psychic message about the problem and his phone number.
Wrong way
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can’t take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can’t take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
Doctor’s Office
There’s nothing worse than a snotty doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 61 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
- "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
- "There’s something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said,
- "You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that."
- "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied,
- "You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied,
- "Well you shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
- "Yes?"
- "There’s something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
- "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
- "I can’t piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor’s office erupted in laughter.
There’s nothing worse than a snotty doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.
A 61 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
- "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
- "There’s something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said,
- "You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that."
- "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied,
- "You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man replied,
- "Well you shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
- "Yes?"
- "There’s something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
- "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
- "I can’t piss out of it," the man replied.
The doctor’s office erupted in laughter.
The Pope ...
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There’s no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I’m the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ...Never heard of it... Wait, I’ll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth."
God: "I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I’ll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what’s up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There’s no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I’m the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ...Never heard of it... Wait, I’ll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth."
God: "I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of... Wait, I’ll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what’s up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Funny Movie Facts
Things you would never know without the movies:
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year.
- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Things you would never know without the movies:
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year.
- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
As Time goes by
Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn’t love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I’m home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room. !
6 years : Here’s the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don’t you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don’t do it again.
6 years : What’s not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?
6 months : What’s so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What’s so bad about staying home?
TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I’m going to watch ESPN, if you’re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.
Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn’t love U, then why the hell did I propose?
Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I’m home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??
Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room. !
6 years : Here’s the money. Buy yourself something.
Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.
Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!
Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don’t you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don’t do it again.
6 years : What’s not to understand about what I just said??
New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound?
6 months : What’s so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What’s so bad about staying home?
TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I’m going to watch ESPN, if you’re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.
Winking problem
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Some Hints for Women ...
- If you think the way to a man’s heart is through
his stomach you’re aiming too high.
- Women don’t make fools of men -- most of
them are the do-it-yourself types.
- The best reason to divorce a man is a health
reason: you’re sick of him.
- Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at
home. He probably lies about other things too.
- A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff
she asked her husband to do.
- Go for younger men. You might as well -- they
never mature anyway.
- A man who can dress himself without looking
like Forest Gump is unquestionably gay.
- Men are all the same -- they just have different
faces so you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a man with manners -- he gets
out of the bath to pee.
- Whenever you meet a man who would make
a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
- Scientists have just discovered something
that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
- There are a lot of words you can use to describe
men -- strong, caring, loving -- they’d be wrong but
you can still use them.
- Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive
and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
- Men’s brains are like the prison system --
not enough cells per man.
- Husbands are like children -- they’re fine if
they’re someone else’s.
- If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give
him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
- Figuring out men is like trying to make a
jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have
it all put together, you find another piece but you
don’t know where it goes.
- If you think the way to a man’s heart is through
his stomach you’re aiming too high.
- Women don’t make fools of men -- most of
them are the do-it-yourself types.
- The best reason to divorce a man is a health
reason: you’re sick of him.
- Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at
home. He probably lies about other things too.
- A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff
she asked her husband to do.
- Go for younger men. You might as well -- they
never mature anyway.
- A man who can dress himself without looking
like Forest Gump is unquestionably gay.
- Men are all the same -- they just have different
faces so you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a man with manners -- he gets
out of the bath to pee.
- Whenever you meet a man who would make
a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
- Scientists have just discovered something
that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
- There are a lot of words you can use to describe
men -- strong, caring, loving -- they’d be wrong but
you can still use them.
- Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive
and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
- Men’s brains are like the prison system --
not enough cells per man.
- Husbands are like children -- they’re fine if
they’re someone else’s.
- If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give
him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
- Figuring out men is like trying to make a
jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have
it all put together, you find another piece but you
don’t know where it goes.
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